The Star Captain

The Star Captain

The great push to explore further into space, back when the first solar powered ship made the trip, started the great expansion to other worlds. Human colonies slowly spread throughout the solar system, and then throughout the galaxy. The great expansion also allowed for new technology to take hold in the world of mankind. Fossil fuels no longer had the capacity to fulfill all of the travel needs across the universe. So a new form of fuel needed to be utilized; an abundant, never ending source: stars.

Ports and harbors sprung up on every planet’s moons to allow for the importation and exportation of goods, for people to travel across the galaxy, and for catcher’s to bring in their haul. This new fuel source created a new industry of star catchers, and it quickly took off as one that brought glory and adventure.

Riff had been waiting months for this opportunity, others had been waiting years. The biggest shower to come through the Milky Way, the Stella Cecidit Shower, only came every 200 years, many catchers lived and died without even having the chance to participate. Stories of the incredible beauty and fantastic experiences while being involved in the dangers of the shower were passed down from generations of those who lived through it to those who wouldn’t have the chance. Those catchers who participated were like heroes, the haul they brought in could power an entire city for years, or over a thousand ships across the galaxy. And anyone who wanted to be anyone strived to live long enough or stay strong enough to join in come the Shower’s return. Riff had only been captain of the Sun Flare for six months, but was confident that his crew would pull in the heftiest catch of all of the ships casting off from Mars’ moon Phobos that evening. The Shower started at 1am, but the Sun Flare was off before midnight, to try and get a head start on the other ships.

As the ship prepared to leave Phobos’ harbor, the sail’s solar panels glistened in the star light as they powered up. An ethereal breeze blew across the deck of the ship as it cast off, and rose higher and higher into the sky, bringing with it a sense of anxiousness and excitement. This was everyone’s only chance to participate in the Stella Cecidit Shower. Some members of the crew were seasoned sailors, like Riff’s uncle Jim, who taught him everything he knew and was his first mate. But most of the men were new like their captain. Riff was the rookie; he was young for a star captain, and the other captains on the docks and moon ports never let him forget it. But he worked hard to earn his ship and position, and he was going to work hard to prove that with this catching trip. With a final check of the artificial gravity shields and the air purifiers in place, they set sail for deeper, more open space, getting the prime position for star catching.

The first star that went soaring across the ship’s starboard side was a fierce blue, its tail stretching behind it for eternity. It was early, the other ships from the outposts on the moons just barely entering their vision, but Riff saw the opportunity to get ahead, so he took it. “Looks like the Shower is starting early for us boys. Let’s get those nets out there!” Star ships were massive because the cargo they had to haul in was massive. Giant hulls, with four or five masts with enormous solar sails to power the powerful jet engines that steered and moved the great ship. They also had huge crews of thousands of men, who all looked to the captain for commands. The immense size and grandeur of the Sun Flare was greater than other sun ships, and it allowed for a very heavy load, so it had room for plenty of nets to be thrown out all at once. Giant nets that glistened with silvers, golds, blues, and reds were thrown over the sides and down around the giant hull of the ship, floating in the void. The nets were made from other galactic matter, like stars and comets, the only material known to stop and catch falling stars. Before the full Shower had even started, the Sun Flare’s crew already had quite a few stars pulled in and stored in the cargo hold, but they couldn’t have been prepared for what the full Shower brought with it.

The Shower exploded into life as suddenly the entire open stretch of space was filled with stars zipping by. Everything was bright and blurry as the stars in every color imaginable filled the expanse blinding those who hadn’t come prepared with star shades. It was so powerfully beautiful and rare that the crew just took it in at first, until Riff snapped to his senses and started spewing commands left and right. More than half the crew were to just focus on pulling in the stars that came into the nets, but the rest had to stay sharp in order to keep the ship and crew safe. Pulling up the sails and tying them down and manning the cannons to shoot out any star that could potentially hit the masts or the hull of the ship.

The Shower grew more and more intense as the evening wore on, becoming more of a storm. There were so many stars flying around them that it wasn’t hard to fill their cargo hold, but it was also hard for his crew to keep track of all of the stars flying by. Riff maintained control though, keeping his crew as together as possible. All he could think about were the amazing stories he had been told by his grandfather growing up. “There are too many stars!” His uncle Jim interrupted him, having witnessed half the crew get knocked down with star dust from a shot down star. It was overwhelming and Riff’s crew was inexperienced. After the first couple hours, no one was catching stars anymore, regardless of how much room they still had on the ship. Instead just trying to keep the ship from being destroyed and losing their lives. “You need to tell them to head back to harbor, come on man!” Jim yelled again, “This isn’t worth it!”

Riff was torn between his vision of the glory and adventure of the Shower that he had believed in all his life, and the safety of his ship and crew. This was all he ever wanted, to participate and prove himself in this great shower, how could he turn back now? Be the first one to give up? A rogue star came flying through the foremast, blasting it out of commission. The ship lurched with the hit, and a couple crew men were pushed overboard by the debris. Riff was forced into reality. “All men to stations! Head back to Phobos, snap to it!”

Every cannon was employed at attempting to clear a path as they slowly moved back towards Lunar Harbor. The ship was constantly shaking and vibrating from the plethora or stars zooming so close to it and the shrapnel of shot down stars ramming into the hull. Most of the men took blows from the fragments surrounding them, many of them with cuts and streams of blood running down their face or arms, they tried not to focus on the men they had already lost. The ship rattled violently as it took a heavy hit from a stray star that was overlooked by the gunmen. Riff held stubbornly to the ship’s wheel, keeping her steady on their path to safety. They were so close, as he begged the Sun Flare to hold on just a bit longer, promising an unknown god that he’d set the record straight about this suicide mission if he made it safely home, that he’d never let his idealistic dreams get the best of him again. The barrage of stars lessened as they left the expanse of open space, and finally made it out without too many casualties; a couple may not ever see again, or use one of their hands, but most of them survived. Other ships weren’t so lucky, as Riff turned to look behind him at the explosion of lights, stars, and wrecked ships: wooden splinters and bodies now littering the expanse with the star’s sparkling, burning shrapnel. Instead of returning in glory, he was returning broken. All he felt was empty as his ship barely held on while crawling back to the harbor, tired and falling apart, just like his crew and his dream.

Persephone

Persephone

Hot. It was always so hot and bright. She hated that. The way the clouds never seemed to drift in front of the sun for too long. Or how the trees never lost their leaves and it only rained gentle showers of warm water onto the flowers, crops, and trees. The people loved it. They always had enough food to eat, it never got too cold for them to sleep, and they were generally happy. Her mother loved it, so she kept it that way. As long as she was happy, the weather didn’t vary. But Persephone, she hated it. Nothing ever changed. And the young woman was tired of the same old thing.

“Where are you going?” Her mother asked one day as Persephone left the field they were harvesting.

“To pick wild flowers,” she answered, lazily walking away through the sparse trees. Demeter nodded, satisfied with the answer, and got back to work. As soon as she was out of her mother’s view, Persephone’s mood changed. She sighed as the calm, innocent look she normally put on for her mother faded. She began her regular search for adventure. She knew there were dark, hidden places in Greece. She also knew her mother told her to stay away from them, but that didn’t seem to matter to the bored girl. She meandered through the forest, climbed trees, splashed through streams, all the while wandering farther from her mother. And not caring, in fact she almost wished that one of the things her mother warned her about would happen. She just wanted something to happen.

She continued this day after day, stretching farther and farther into the woods and away from the fields her mother grew. While it was new land and sights, Persephone was still bored. The landscape didn’t change much. It was just the same trees in new locations. Until one day she saw something she’d never seen before: an opening in the Earth. It fascinated her, but she kept her distance, just watching and waiting. It was colder by the crack, with cold, damp air almost visibly crawling from the darkness and across the ground. Nothing grew near it. Everything was dead, and this puzzled her. Everything was full of life and light in her own world.

Persephone found herself returning often to the opening, the unknown calling to something deep within her. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to keep what she had found a secret from her mother forever, but she had become good with the art of deception, and found the quickest way between the chasm and her home. It was on this route one day that she noticed it: the sound of water. It sounded muffled but close. There is no water here, she mused. The sound got louder as she approached the cavernous mouth. She had never ventured past the edge of life, the green that surrounded the perimeter of the pit about fifteen feet away. That is until now. She was too curious. She crawled on all fours towards the opening. Her bare-feet and hands slowly pulled her through the dead grass, the dry dirt mussing along the edges of her pale green dress until her hands firmly grasped the black rock and she peered over the edge.

It was dark, and it was deep, deep down in the cavern, but there was water. Green, dimly glowing water with strange swirls of white. “Styx…” she mumbled to herself as she watched, enchanted by the beauty and peculiarity of the liquid. That was why nothing lived; she was hovering over the underworld. The sound of something approaching finally broke her from her trance and she scuttled back into the protection of the trees. Hermes, the messenger god, quickly flew over the hole and hovered there until the earth slightly rumbled. Suddenly the light of the sun was dimmed and the air was thick with what could only be described as pure energy and power. The lord of the underworld, Hades, burst from the earth with all his might to meet the speedy god.

Persephone wasn’t sure what they talked about, what was so urgent to make the god leave his domain, for she was distracted with the man. He was tall, very tall with straight, shoulder length, black hair pulled back into a low pony tail. In perfect contrast with his almost eerily, corpse white skin. His eyes were the most difficult to look away from. Full, black orbs where the iris and pupil were almost indistinguishable and his voice a deep, low rumble. He wore black armor, the armor of a great war leader, with a small, simple, black crown adorning his head. And most surprisingly to her was how young he looked. He was magnificent if not daunting to say the least. She felt drawn to him, like the fates had personally tied their string around her waist and were physically pulling her towards the powerful god. But she resisted, and stayed hidden and still. Once Hermes left and Hades returned to the underworld, Persephone ran home.

When she arrived home she was out of breath and felt cold even in the warmth and heat of the day. “Persephone, what happened to you child. Come here, let me fix you up,” Demeter called her over once she saw her unkempt appearance. Persephone obliged, but said nothing as she couldn’t get the image of the Lord of the Dead out of her mind. Terrifying as he may be, she was fascinated by him. She sat in silence as her mother fixed the braid in her long, sun-kissed hair, barely acknowledging the tugs and pulls as Demeter untangled it.

“Mother, what do you know about Lord Hades?” Persephone suddenly asked. Demeter paused for a moment, but continued braiding and answered.

“I’m not sure why you have a sudden interest in the other gods, but Hades is trouble. Always staying down in the underworld full of darkness and death; he is a wicked man. Selfish, cruel, and dishonest. I’m not sure what brought this up, but I think you should stay here with me for a couple days darling. All of this exploring is getting to your head. I don’t want you to stray too far.” Persephone released a sigh, immediately regretting asking her mother about the dark god. She would have to wait now until she could return to edge of blackness.

Over the next few days she helped her mother, making the crops grow, the trees stay strong, and the flowers bloom. It had been a while since she used her abilities to help life strive and she enjoyed the first day of it. But quickly found herself becoming bored and her mind wandering to the mysterious pit and the dark figure that lived there. After 4 days she couldn’t take it anymore, and risked leaving the field. She waited until Demeter was busy and looking away before Persephone slipped away into the trees and toward her goal. Today she didn’t hesitate; she walked straight to the edge of the crack and peered over the edge. The pull was strong, so strong that she stopped thinking and just did. Before her mind could catch up she got down backwards on her hands and knees and slowly began climbing down into the underworld. The jagged black rock made it easy to climb, and she did so without much difficulty. Her years of running through the fields and forests, climbing trees, and harvesting made her muscles lean and strong.

Once reaching the bottom of the long cavern she realized her dilemma. She had heard about the properties of the river Styx. She didn’t want to touch it. But she was beginning to tire and was still 15 to 20 feet above the black sand of the underworld. The air was cold and thick down here. The stench of death and misery was visible in the mist that swept along the ground like bony, skeletal hands crawling to drag her away. She should’ve been afraid, but Persephone was captivated. Then she saw the boat. A long, black steel gondola was slowly being pushed through the stream of glowing, green water by a tall, black robed figure. Persephone knew this might be her only chance. She timed it, then jumped and landed with a loud thump in the front of the boat, making it sway back and forth and the water of the Styx reach and slurp against the edge of the gondola. The robed figure didn’t move while Persephone slowly got up, rubbing her back side in pain.

“You are not dead.” The figure spoke in a voice that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Persephone whipped around.

“No, I am very much alive.” She replied with her head held high. The figure turned his face up to look at her, and she realized he didn’t have a face. The figure was a tall skeleton in black robes. He, or what she could only guess was a he, didn’t even have eyes in his sockets. Yet she could still feel his gaze. It was Charon, the carrier of the dead spirits into the underworld.

“The Underworld is for those who are dead. You must return to the world of the living or, if you wish to continue, I could end your life here.” He stepped towards her. Persephone’s mind raced as she tried to find a way out of this predicament.

“I cannot return the way I came, though I also do not wish to die.” She replied, holding her ground. “If you want payment for your services I can grant you this bracelet.” She slid the golden crafted ring from her wrist and presented it to the figure. Charon just stood there for a moment before reaching his bony fingers out to grasp the metal circle.

 “I’ll bring you to Lord Hades palace. Most living folk who make their way down here want to see the Lord.” The skeleton continued pushing them through the green river. Persephone released a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding before sitting down on the cold, hard seat. As they delved deeper into the underworld, Persephone drank in all that she saw. The cavern and river began to widen and open up. She started to see more wisps of white, and eventually was able to make out the figures of people in the mist, standing in line waiting to be judged. At the head of the line was a giant, black, three- headed mastiff with red eyes. A little later, spirits of the dead were wandering the fields of asphodel. The field was massive; she couldn’t see where it began or ended. But in the far right of her vision she saw a fork, at the end of one road she noticed that it got brighter, though she couldn’t see what was causing the light. At the end of the other road it was like all existing light was completely absorbed and nothing could escape. “Elysium and the isles of the blessed lead down the right road.” Charon explained suddenly.

“And what about that dark road?” She asked, pointing towards the left side of the fork. He chuckled darkly, running chills down Persephone’s spine.

“That is Tartarus.” Persephone swallowed the lump in her throat. She didn’t need any further explanation for that place. After a while the river curved and turned until the boat stopped in front of huge, black, iron gates. “The palace of Hades is beyond the gates. Good luck.” Persephone stepped gingerly out of the gondola, it disappearing almost as she got off. The cold floor seeped through the soles of her feet quickly. The hem of her yellow dress turned grey as she stepped towards the giant gates towering over her. Yet she still felt no fear, just determination. She gained confidence with each step and marched to the gates. She then pushed with all her strength on the right gate and to her surprise it slowly creaked open. “I guess not many people would try to walk in on the Lord of the Dead.” She mused aloud. The floor beneath her became polished black and grey marble as she entered the courtyard of the palace. There was black soil and strange, dying plants and trees surrounding the walls and purple and dim yellow flames lighting the room. While it was beautiful to her, the state of the plants saddened her. She began to circle the perimeter of the room, the plants climbing up and towards her as she gave them new life.

It was while she was inspecting the dark columns, statues, and mosaics of the palace she heard the growls behind her. She slowly turned to see three hell-hounds crouched and ready to pounce behind her. She had never seen creatures like these before, and while she should’ve feared, she found her curiosity edging her forward. The dogs had red, glowing chasms in place of eyes, and long, sharp teeth along their muzzles with acidic drool running along the edge. Their skin was black and smoky, like literal dark mist that made all of the muscles and sinews visible from time to time as the dogs moved and breathed. She stood her ground, not backing down as they circled her. She was the goddess of nature, never in her life had she feared any living thing. She stood tall, and looked at them all sternly. They haven’t attacked, she thought, I may still have some power over these beasts. “Sit.” She raised her voice, but didn’t yell. Yet the command was firm. The hell-hound closest to her sat down at the command, but the other two growled and stepped closer.

“Alpha, Beta, back down.” She heard a low, smooth voice demand from the left of her view. The hell-hounds backed away and sat in wait for another command from their master. She turned to gaze upon the Lord of the Dead. Hades was dressed more casually today, with grey and black robes made of pure, smoky darkness. He trained his stare onto her, and for the first time she felt small. “You are a long way from home. What brings the goddess of nature to the realm of death?” He was studying her. Her face, her body, her movements. She wasn’t sure how to respond.

“The need for a change and the pull of curiosity, King...Lord Hades?” She fumbled with what title she should give him. He chuckled at her insecurity, not a frightening sound like Charon’s laugh, but deep, smooth notes. He wasn’t anything like what her mother had described to her.

“Hades is just fine.” A slight turn of a smile met her lips as she formally introduced herself.

“Pleasure to meet you Hades. I am Persephone.”

“Persephone, does your mother know of your adventure into the underworld?” The smile left her lips at the mention of her mother Demeter.

“While I respect and love my mother, she is not in control of my actions. I make my own decisions, I am not a child.”

“Then she will begin to wonder where you are, I should return you quickly.” He nodded as if that were final and turned towards to gates, expecting Persephone to follow.

“I’m sorry, but if it is alright with you, I’m not quite done admiring the difference and beauty of this place.” Persephone then turned away to continue walking through the courtyard, bringing life to the long-dead gardens. Hades was not used to being defied, and it amused him. A slight smile found its way onto his mouth as he returned to the courtyard and watched as Persephone viewed the place. He had never heard anyone describe his palace or the underworld as beautiful before. The other gods and goddesses hated it down here, and would often make him leave if they ever required a meeting. The young woman fascinated him. She made his palace of death come alive, even if only a little. Her tanned skin with freckled cheeks and shoulders, light yellow dress and bright blue eyes stood out among the dark, grim bleakness of his world. It warmed him, and he felt a happiness he wasn’t used to feeling.

“Then would you like to view the rest of the palace?” He offered. She smiled widely and nodded in response as the god led her through an open door into the rest of his domain. They talked as he led her throughout the palace. It didn’t seem so dark with her there. She admired how everything was still so beautifully crafted and carved though only out of dark materials such as iron, basalt, marble and steel. It was cold and dry, not like the hot, bright, humid world she was used to. She found herself not wanting to leave.

So she didn’t. She stalled and wandered and tried to stay as long as she possibly could. It was hard to tell how much time had passed in the darkness of the underworld. But after what felt like only a few short hours of exploration and conversation, Persephone became tired. She fell asleep on a couch, and Hades draped a blanket over her before leaving her to do the work he had been putting off while entertaining the young woman.

Up above, Demeter had begun to panic. The trees and crops started to wither and die the more she worried. It had been more than a day and her daughter was nowhere to be found. This had never happened before. Something must have happened. She searched and explored until she found the opening to the underworld. It didn’t take long for her to assume what had happened, and quickly left for Mount Olympus to speak with Zeus, leaving the world a dead and barren place.

In the meantime, Persephone and Hades were getting to know each other. Persephone was learning how things were run in the underworld and how much Hades had to do on his own with little to no help from the other gods. He had a job that never ended and no one to lean on for guidance or support. She was intrigued by it all and was so distracted by everything that she was learning and seeing that she never noticed how hungry she was. It didn’t occur to her that she hadn’t eaten for 2 days now. When she finally acknowledged her hunger, it was on the morning of the third day.

“Hades, I’ve loved learning all that you have to show me, but I am beginning to feel quite hungry. Do you have anything to eat?” Her eyes wandered out the door into the courtyard where she saw a pomegranate tree and other fruits growing. Hades followed her gaze and gently shook his head.

“I’m sorry, but you aren’t permitted to eat any food of the underworld. For if you were to do so, you would have to stay here,” he replied. He gently took her by the hand, “If you are hungry, perhaps it is time for you to return to Zeus’s domain.”

“I’m not that hungry, really,” she said shaking her head. “I’ll return soon, but not yet.” Hades studied her face, boring into her eyes, checking for a hint of tiredness.

“I don’t want you fainting or getting sick because of me and my world.” She squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“I’m having too much fun to leave now.” She smiled at him, and he returned the motion. It was a rare sight to see the Lord of the Dead smile, and she had been lucky enough to see quite a few during her stay. They continued to talk until late in the day, until they were interrupted by the growls and barks of hell-hounds in the courtyard. The quick flaps of tiny bird wings could be heard coming closer. Persephone was confused; she had never seen a bird in the underworld. Hades sighed and got up from where they were sitting, leaving her in her puzzlement. In the doorway she suddenly saw Hermes, hovering above the ground with the wings of his sandals fluttering so fast they were almost invisible. Her countenance fell. She knew what was probably coming. Hades then looked her way sadly and longingly, then turned back to Hermes and nodded.

“Persephone, I have come to take you home. You aren’t trapped in this world any longer.” He reached a hand out to her with a wide grin on his face. She knew it was only a matter of time before her mother did something, looks like her time was up. She reluctantly took Hermes outstretched hand and stood up. He led her out into the courtyard quickly, with no time to say a word to Hades. He stood firmly in the doorway watching them leave, grimly staring at her small frame grudgingly leaving his world, forever. He would miss the life she brought to his world of the dead. He felt drawn to her like he hadn’t felt before. Persephone looked ahead and saw the pomegranate tree on the left of the path toward the main gates. A couple pomegranates had fallen and one had cracked open. Quickly, almost without thought, she reached down as they passed and grabbed a half and grabbed a few seeds before dropping it back to the ground. She popped the six seeds in her mouth before Hermes or anyone would notice what she had done. She peered over her shoulder at Hades as they passed through the gates and couldn’t quite place the emotion she caught on his face. He made direct eye contact and held her gaze looking surprisingly pleased, but the next thing she knew she was being swept up by Hermes towards the sun and the living.

“Darling are you alright? Did he hurt you? How did he take you?” Persephone sighed as her mother attacked her with questions and pulled her into a tight, protective hug.

“Demeter calm down, she was perfectly content when I found her,” Hermes interceded, lounging in the air.

“Content?” Demeter considered, looking at Persephone in a new way. “Did he give you something? Tell me Persephone, did you eat anything?” A panicked look was returning to Demeter’s eyes.

“Mother I was perfectly fine. I went there by choice. Hades didn’t take me or do anything to me. All that occurred did so by my choosing.” Persephone pulled rather hardly out of mother’s grasp. “I can take care of myself and make my own decisions.” Demeter looked outraged.

“You didn’t answer me, did you eat anything?” Demeter yelled. Persephone looked down, mouth shut tight with a faint pinkness coming to her cheeks. Demeter almost fainted. “H-Hermes, go get Zeus.” She finally managed. Hermes sighed, hating being the family messenger, before taking off to get the Lord of the Sky. “What did you eat? Did Hades force you to eat it? Persephone, answer me!”

“For the last time, he didn’t force me to do anything Mother!” Demeter was close to tears.

“So you willingly did this,” her voice barely above a whisper. Persephone nodded, nearly shameful. She hadn’t intended on hurting her mother. They stood in silence until Hermes returned with a huge storm of wind and light until Zeus appeared next to him. A large, muscly man with blue eyes and white blond curls.

“What is so important that you make me leave Olympus, Demeter?” His voice like thunder vibrating through the ground and their bodies like a storm.

“She ate while she was in the underworld. She ate food of the dead.” Zeus nodded solemnly, understanding the situation perfectly.

“You know the rules Demeter, and it isn’t my realm. I have no power down there.” Demeter’s face was stained with her tears. Persephone didn’t like it. She could see the life all around them dying while Demeter’s heart broke. Zeus knew that the people wouldn’t survive without the help of Demeter. He wracked his brain. He turned to Persephone, “What did you eat?”

“What? Oh, some pomegranate seeds,” she responded quickly.

“How many seeds?”

“Six, just six.”

“Six…that could work.” Zeus mused to himself. “I shall try and strike a deal with Hades. I shall return.” He left the heart broken mother with her remorseful child kneeling in the dying land and went to speak with Hades.

“I’m sorry mother. I didn’t mean to cause you grief. I just wanted something new, something my own.” Persephone hesitantly wrapped her arms around Demeter’s shoulders gently and lovingly. Slowly Demeter’s tears stopped, but the atmosphere didn’t.

“You could have told me.”

“You wouldn’t have listened.” Demeter nodded and then sat in silence. It wasn’t long until Zeus returned in a white storm with a dark cloud of smoke following him. He appeared with Hades next to him.

“Hades has agreed. For the six seeds you ate, Persephone you will stay six months in the underworld and then six months here in the world above, and so on for the rest of time.” Persephone’s gaze immediately shifted to Hades, who gave her a small smile.

“Six months away from me?” Demeter gasped.

“It was that or nothing,” Hades responded. “Better for all parties. I believe it’s a good compromise.” Demeter reluctantly agreed as Persephone smiled and left with her soon to be husband. The land continued to slowly wither and die in Persephone’s absence. The people learned to save from the harvest and make warmer clothing for the months that Persephone would be gone. Then as the time for Persephone to return came nearer, the trees and crops would all come back to life as Demeter grew joyful at the return of her daughter.

Persephone was happy. She was able to see her mother and world of light and live in the mysterious world that she loved with the god that she had fallen in love with. She had a new role in the order of life. No longer was she the goddess of nature, but the goddess of spring and of death. Of beginning, and of end.

Familiar Unfamiliarity

            I can smell it. It doesn’t smell bad, or good. Just kind of earthy with people undertones. I was unaware it had a smell. I’ve never been able to smell it before. The floor under my feet is cold, smooth wood. Not the hard, frigid tile that my soles are used to. It looks nice with the rest of the kitchen and family room. The carpet is gone, too. Replaced by a short, rough rug. My feet don’t like it as much. New lights hang from the ceiling, little bells of sun holding onto metal vines. My mom has found a new hobby: changing things.

The sun room is still a sun room, but doesn’t feel the same. Barbies, stuffed animals, Polly Pockets, toy kitchen supplies, and crayons scatter the floor and a toy chest is against the wall. I can hear Dora singing from the other room. I recognize a lot of it, but it seems so out of place.

I walk upstairs, the steps still carpeted like I remember, the same five picture frames line the wall on the journey upwards. Phil Collins plays over the speakers in the house, same as always. My hand holds tightly to the rough, blue, woven handle of my bag, something very familiar.  I don’t let go as I enter the room. It smells like boy. My green sheets are gone, replaced by brown ones and a boring, navy blue comforter. None of my dance pictures or trophies and souvenirs can be seen. The walls barren, the desk empty, and the side table only has a clock and a book. An electric piano has been added by one wall, a tie hanging over the chair in front of it. It isn’t my room anymore, my younger brother has taken ownership of this place.

Everything still looks familiar. It’s the same house, the same family, but it is no longer home. Home is in Provo. Home is school, and homework. Home is red walls in a 3^rd story apartment. “Kaley!” The voice of my mom wafts upstairs followed shortly by the echoed shout of my 5 year-old sister. I soon hear soft thuds as my sister is undoubtedly running up to get me. “Taco bell, right now. Let’s go, go, go!” She jumps up and down to emphasize the rush. Taco bell with my family, like always. I guess not everything has changed. Home is still here in little ways.

To Escape

Worry,

Coursing through my veins.

Thoughts never ceasing.

My mind is like a highway,

With anxiety riding it’s road.

Stress,

Anger,

Envy,

They are all passengers.

Driving endlessly,

Hauntingly,

Through my head.

I see no exits,

Only constant pain.

I feel like breaking down,

Turning off the engine,

Never to start again.

Just to give up.

But then,

Right before I turn the key,

I find my escape.

Blue.

Brown-blue eyes.

Eyes that don’t judge me,

Eyes that know me,

That drive worry far away.

A smile that makes my heart skip,

And cheeks flush.

Laughter that clears the roads,

And leaves nothing but joy.

No more doubt,

Or worry.

In this escape,

I find my friend.

Who organizes the chaos in my mind.

Whose caring arms chase away sadness.

And even if the escape is brief,

I cannot lose.

As long as he is there,

The anxiety cannot take me.

I am safe.

Nocturnal

The sky is awake.

The stars giggling and winking,

Flirting with each other

And teasing the rest.

The ocean is awake.

Waving up to the stars;

Jumping higher and higher to try

And join in their teasing.

The forest is awake.

Whispering secrets and gossip.

Ignoring the waters’ jumps

And the stars’ giggles.

I am awake.

Catching the sky’s winks,

The ocean’s waves,

And the trees’ whispers.

While the world sleeps,

The world is awake.

A Reflection of the Word Anxiety

A panic attack is a difficult experience to describe accurately. Short, staggered, rapid breaths. Heart beating against my rib cage, as if trying to escape and take my life with it. And wet, blurry eyes with red, puffy cheeks. I can’t stop shaking, the trembling a sign of the battle taking place in my mind and body. I can’t make sense of my thoughts. What is rational and what is irrational? What actually happened and what is just being over exaggerated by my mind?  I have no control. I’m a victim of my emotions. I’m not sure when it’ll end or how bad it’ll be. The only thing I’m sure of is that I feel like I’m going to die.

Never had I thought that I would be in an accident. I’m a careful driver, paranoia makes sure of that. But I can’t control other’s actions. My car is creaking and it’s a slow process getting it home with the bumper hanging off and the back end crushed in. It happened fast, not sure how. I had stopped behind the car in front of me, then suddenly impact and my head is on the steering wheel. She “hadn’t seen me stop.” She totaled my car. Driving home, I can’t stop the panic. Anger, frustration, sadness, and confusion all muddle together under the terrible weight of my anxiety. I want to pull over, to make it all stop. I’m barely controlling myself behind the wheel. Why, why, why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve any of this?

Exhaustion and scattered thoughts; control it. Breath hitches; control it. The chatter around the room dulls in my ears, the chalk on the chalkboard drones on, soft clacking on my ear-drums. I’m not even sure what is triggering it this time around. It’s the second attack today, but why in class? Can’t my mind and body just take a break when I’m in front of my peers? The panic rises in my chest; control it! I’m frustrated with my lack of control, yelling at myself in my head, just wanting it to stop.

I was terrified and confused the first time it happened. I couldn’t control myself, and I’m all about control. Turns out that’s a nice indicator of general anxiety disorder. I remember vaguely talking about it in Psychology and did more research. The attacks continued and I wanted help. “Psychology is a joke. It’s all in your head.” Dad had the money, so no doctor for me. It led to the most miserable year of my life. “I have an anxiety disorder, you may have one to.” A girl said to me one day as I was hiding an attack in the bathroom, Brynna I think. “Want me to teach you some ways of minimizing the attacks?” I nodded as she calmed me down. And so she did. Make a list of what needs to be done, prioritize it. Don’t overwhelm yourself, cross off what doesn’t NEED to be done. Speak your worries out loud to someone who can think rationally, it probably isn’t as big in life as it is in your mind. Fill your mind with song lyrics from one of your favorite songs. Say a prayer. Take deep, calming breaths. Avoid caffeine. Find a hobby, something that you love. Over the span of the next month she taught me whatever her therapist taught her. I wasn’t so scared after that. I could handle this, and I have been.

Exams are a part of life. Annoying, stressful, and time consuming. Pressure and stress is no stranger to anyone studying at a university, but it becomes more strenuous when racked with overzealous anxious thoughts. Thoughts like, “If I fail this test then I’ll fail this class and if I fail this class I won’t get my degree and if I don’t get my degree I won’t graduate and if I don’t graduate I’ll never get a job and if I don’t get a job I’ll end up being homeless and if I’m homeless I won’t be happy and it’ll all be because I got a B on this test.” It is definitely irrational, and just an added step to my daily study habits.

Tea is calming, soothing, and always helps when my worry is high. Tea is my savior today. Work was long and it was busy. Not to mention that I have at least 3 hours of homework left to do along with 2 exams to study for and I have that paper due next week that I want to get a head start on and I need to apply for internships and…I need to drink some more tea.

“You need to find a hobby.” Brynna’s words return to mind. “Find something that you enjoy, and whenever you feel an attack coming, do that hobby to distract yourself long enough to calm down.” So here I am, writing. Stories, poems, or even nonsense. If anything seems too overwhelming, I write about it. Or I’ll write something completely different. It doesn’t matter, because I’m distracted and doing what I love. I have found a way to beat anxiety. While it may not be permanent, I can come out victorious when the monster comes knocking. Panic attacks are scary, they always will be. I’m not myself when I’m having an attack and my mind doesn’t work normally. But I know that I can come out on top, I have come out on top.

When the Moon Comes

The moon smiled widely onto the town.

It slowly crawled closer to the world.

Oh Tsar Lunar.

The townsfolk heard its approach,

Felt the change in the push and pull.

They saw the pulse of the shift.

It was as if nothing changed at all.

But nothing was the same.

They were fallen.

The small town of innocence cringed.

She flew over the rooftops.

The well rippled, the water excited.

Kay had nowhere to go.

She tasted the fear.

She was the one with no family.

It was her fault

No one would survive this.

The muddy sky parted for the final descent.

They were running, screaming, fleeing,

But with no safe place to turn.

She was happy.

Ay dios mío.

The moon laughed as it came closer.

It was huge, and it was close at the close.