A
panic attack is a difficult experience to describe accurately. Short,
staggered, rapid breaths. Heart beating against my rib cage, as if trying to
escape and take my life with it. And wet, blurry eyes with red, puffy cheeks. I
can’t stop shaking, the trembling a sign of the battle taking place in my mind
and body. I can’t make sense of my thoughts. What is rational and what is
irrational? What actually happened and what is just being over exaggerated by
my mind? I have no control. I’m a victim
of my emotions. I’m not sure when it’ll end or how bad it’ll be. The only thing
I’m sure of is that I feel like I’m going to die.
Never
had I thought that I would be in an accident. I’m a careful driver, paranoia
makes sure of that. But I can’t control other’s actions. My car is creaking and
it’s a slow process getting it home with the bumper hanging off and the back
end crushed in. It happened fast, not sure how. I had stopped behind the car in
front of me, then suddenly impact and my head is on the steering wheel. She
“hadn’t seen me stop.” She totaled my car. Driving home, I can’t stop the
panic. Anger, frustration, sadness, and confusion all muddle together under the
terrible weight of my anxiety. I want to pull over, to make it all stop. I’m
barely controlling myself behind the wheel. Why, why, why did this happen to
me? What did I do to deserve any of this?
Exhaustion
and scattered thoughts; control it. Breath hitches; control it. The chatter
around the room dulls in my ears, the chalk on the chalkboard drones on, soft
clacking on my ear-drums. I’m not even sure what is triggering it this time
around. It’s the second attack today, but why in class? Can’t my mind and body
just take a break when I’m in front of my peers? The panic rises in my chest;
control it! I’m frustrated with my lack of control, yelling at myself in my
head, just wanting it to stop.
I
was terrified and confused the first time it happened. I couldn’t control
myself, and I’m all about control. Turns out that’s a nice indicator of general
anxiety disorder. I remember vaguely talking about it in Psychology and did
more research. The attacks continued and I wanted help. “Psychology is a joke.
It’s all in your head.” Dad had the money, so no doctor for me. It led to the
most miserable year of my life. “I have an anxiety disorder, you may have one
to.” A girl said to me one day as I was hiding an attack in the bathroom,
Brynna I think. “Want me to teach you some ways of minimizing the attacks?” I
nodded as she calmed me down. And so she did. Make a list of what needs to be
done, prioritize it. Don’t overwhelm yourself, cross off what doesn’t NEED to
be done. Speak your worries out loud to someone who can think rationally, it
probably isn’t as big in life as it is in your mind. Fill your mind with song
lyrics from one of your favorite songs. Say a prayer. Take deep, calming
breaths. Avoid caffeine. Find a hobby, something that you love. Over the span of
the next month she taught me whatever her therapist taught her. I wasn’t so
scared after that. I could handle this, and I have been.
Exams
are a part of life. Annoying, stressful, and time consuming. Pressure and
stress is no stranger to anyone studying at a university, but it becomes more
strenuous when racked with overzealous anxious thoughts. Thoughts like, “If I
fail this test then I’ll fail this class and if I fail this class I won’t get
my degree and if I don’t get my degree I won’t graduate and if I don’t graduate
I’ll never get a job and if I don’t get a job I’ll end up being homeless and if
I’m homeless I won’t be happy and it’ll all be because I got a B on this test.”
It is definitely irrational, and just an added step to my daily study habits.
Tea
is calming, soothing, and always helps when my worry is high. Tea is my savior
today. Work was long and it was busy. Not to mention that I have at least 3
hours of homework left to do along with 2 exams to study for and I have that
paper due next week that I want to get a head start on and I need to apply for
internships and…I need to drink some more tea.
“You need to find
a hobby.” Brynna’s words return to mind. “Find something that you enjoy, and
whenever you feel an attack coming, do that hobby to distract yourself long
enough to calm down.” So here I am, writing. Stories, poems, or even nonsense.
If anything seems too overwhelming, I write about it. Or I’ll write something
completely different. It doesn’t matter, because I’m distracted and doing what
I love. I have found a way to beat anxiety. While it may not be permanent, I
can come out victorious when the monster comes knocking. Panic attacks are
scary, they always will be. I’m not myself when I’m having an attack and my
mind doesn’t work normally. But I know that I can come out on top, I have come
out on top.
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